Captain Planet Resurfaces As Leader Of Clandestine Eco-Terrorist Group

SEATTLE, WA - Captain Planet warned in an videotape aired Monday that his eco-terrorist fighters are preparing new eco-attacks but offered the American people a truce on the condition that they begin “respecting the environment.”

“Americans must change their polluting ways or suffer the consequences,” said Planet. “We’re planning more attacks, but will cancel these if Americans all promise to start respecting the environment. The power is yours!”

The cartoon videotape, portions of which were aired on CNN, was the first from Captain Planet in 10 years, since his show “Captain Planet and the Planeteers” was cancelled in May of 1996. It came only days after an eco-terrorist attack on a car dealership in Seattle that destroyed 15 Ford Excursion SUV’s.

“Either America stops driving sports utility vehicles peacefully,” threatened Planet, “or it will be engulfed in flames. Which will it be America? The power is yours!”

According to CNN, Captain Planet became leader of the Earth Liberation Front (E.L.F.) eco-terrorist group shortly after losing his cartoon show in 1996. Since that time, he has boldly spear-headed several eco-attacks against America, including a spate of natural disasters which ravaged the United States in 2005. Editors at CNN said they could not comment on how they knew all these things.

Captain Planet said he decided to make a statement to the American people because he said President Bush “wasn’t doing enough to save the Earth from pollution.”

“I offer the American people a truce,” said Planet. “Stop polluting, stop littering, and start cleaning up pollution, and we’ll stop planning eco-attacks. The power is yours!”

The White House rejected the truce.

The United States will continue to drive gas-guzzling SUV’s, despite Captain Planet’s threats, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said. “We do not negotiate with terrorists, eco or otherwise,” McClellan said. “We kill them, plain and simple.”

The CIA has authenticated the voice on the tape as that of Captain Planet, an agency official said. CIA Director Porter Goss vowed to capture and detain the eco-terrorist leader.

“Captain Planet will eventually be brought to justice,” said Goss. “However, it will not be easy, as he can retreat into the Earth’s core at a moment’s notice.”

U.S. counter-terror officials said Tuesday they have seen no specific or credible intelligence to indicate another impending E.L.F. attack on the United States.

“The Homeland Security Department has no plans to raise the national terror alert,” spokesman Russ Knocke said. “Captain Planet doesn’t scare us. After all, he’s the gayest cartoon character of all time.”

The E.L.F. leader is currently believed to be hiding on Hope Island, an uncharted, unpolluted tropical isle far from civilization.

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