Christians in Context published a humorous blog about the "10 Marks of a Mainline Evangelical." Inspired by their post, I decided to create a version that fits the Philippine context:
Believes that Martin Luther founded Christianity, convinced that there's no way those Catholic heathens are right!
Thinks that "Born Again" is the name of their religion.
Considers Alberto comics and Jack Chick tracts as accurate historical documents, implicating the Roman Catholic Church as the Whore of Babylon.
Believes that God needs them to defend His honor and existence from Dan Brown’s abomination – The Da Vinci Code!
Secretly fantasizes about opening a can of proof-text "whoopass" for Eli Soriano, Felix Manalo, Apolo Quiboloy, etc., but for now, they’re content sparring with their high school church mates.
Believes that only the King James Version of the Bible is the "inspired word of God," while the NIV Bible is the "New Inspired Version" of Scripture.
Believes in eternal security, but fears that their ‘backsliding friend’ might be going to hell because they choose to live a life apart from the church. (And I thought we were ardent believers in 'once saved, always saved'?)
Thinks that in God’s order of salvation, around 75% of the entire human race, along with all Roman Catholics, will go to hell. The majority of Mainline Protestants will follow, and probably 80% of their own church, too.
Considers John MacArthur, John Piper, and Chuck Swindoll to be theologians.
Believes they’re going to heaven because they prayed the Sinner’s Prayer or went forward during an altar call to receive Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.
Wears t-shirts with Christian catchphrases like: "Hardcore for Jesus," "Stay Brutal for Christ," and the iconic ‘Jesus’ photoshopped to look like the Pepsi logo—or any shirt sold at Fig Tree in SM Megamall.
Thinks environmentalism is foolish because they’re already saved, and God will eventually rapture them when it’s time to destroy the earth, as per 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 KJV. Meanwhile, they believe advocating for the poor is dangerous because it advances the ‘social gospel,’ which they deem heretical. (I mean, who do those liberal social gospel folks think God is—Mother Teresa?)
Is convinced Jesus was a conservative Christian who attends a non-denominational, Bible-believing, Christ-centered, Spirit-led mega-church.
Thinks Tim LaHaye’s Left Behind series is gospel truth, and Hal Lindsey’s The Late Great Planet Earth is prophetic.
Favorite authors are Joshua Harris, Rick Warren, and Bruce Wilkinson.
Thinks anyone who disagrees with them on minor doctrines (especially those who don’t believe in Dispensational eschatology) has gone liberal.
Believes ecumenism leads to compromise and eventually the feared One World Government/Religion that will implement the mark of the beast in the end times.
Sees God's purpose for their life as neatly aligning with yuppie middle-class urban life—that’s their purpose and destiny, which they somehow realized after attending a Purpose Driven Life session at their workplace.
Can’t fit any more music on their iPod or mp3 player because it's full of Hillsong, Hillsong United, and any other ‘Christian rock’ music ripped from a CD their Christian friend bought at House of Praise.
Might feel that this blog is alienating and abrasive, and their inclination will be to confront me with the fact that I might be backsliding—or worse, apostate!
Notice how similar it is to the Christians in Context blog post?
I remember our class discussion yesterday, where our professor pointed out that whether we like it or not, Evangelical churches are also prone to succumbing to tradition—something we Evangelicals often criticize Roman Catholics for. Whether we like it or not, we are also adherents of our own tradition.
What’s even more tragic is how we approach contemporary culture and our socio-economic backgrounds—often through co-option, or what I call ‘Christianizing’—creating a ‘Christian’ or sanitized version of the cool things in secular culture so we can enjoy them too, as long as they’ve been sanctified by our Evangelical culture and tradition.
Perhaps this is one of the ways Americanized our Christianity has become. A closer look reveals how we tend to equate God’s will with the American dream and how we often use God as the sanctifier of our worldly desires. Perhaps this joke will remind us that our God cannot be mocked…
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