why bother?

why do we even bother to pray?

so far my experience has been terrible with prayer.

mere seconds of praying i get the opposite response.

the thing just got worse.

worse for the person i am praying for.

worse for me.

and then when i reflect and try to count my blessing.

i realize the multitude that are worse off than me

who i believe likewise prayed.

again i ask: why do we even bother?

Purgatory

 

There was a time when i started adjusting my entire personal time to bathe, take a shit, groom and take care of myself in general to the hours beyond midnight.

Now it just sucks that even that time is being taken away from me.

For how long will this last I sadly do not know.

Big. Empty. Nothing

Understanding our mortality is reckoning with the fact that time will come when all that we hold dear would amount to an empty nothingness at life’s end.

For the past 5 years, I have been gradually immersed in this empty nothingness at home.

And now we start another year again in the shadow of this big empty nothingness.

We are only on our third day of 2022 and it’s beginning to feel like prospects are no better than the previous year.

I am tired and lonely staring, living and breathing the air within this big empty nothingness.

Each passing day is a difficult act of waking up to a new day with nothing to look forward to.

I don’t know how long I can last.