growing old | growing cold

After so many years I am scolded by my parents two times in the span of a week.

Funny thing about it is that its mostly about the most mundane things that I have done or have forgotten to do.

I am almost in my 30s, I am aging and have become even more aware of the immanence of my mortality.

I am aging but not growing.

I am suddenly realizing that the prospect of death isn’t so bad as opposed to the prospect of living dead in a life that’s filled with remorse and ‘what ifs.’

I cannot think straight anymore.

I am consumed with this unquenchable thirst for this one thing that’s so near and yet so far away –of this one person whom I must love from a distance, whose heart cannot be mine.

I hate myself and I want to die, because it is in dying that I hope to find solace that perhaps my passing would clear out the grime that I have tainted on the lives of the people whom I claimed to have cared for and loved.

Life as it seems now is somewhat pointless and that trying to make sense out of it inevitably leads to the collapse of my sanity.

So for now I wait and see and hopefully accept what life has in store...