cold and alone

 

Why do I even bother to share stories with someone who doesn't ask me how I am?

And in all of this, I've only been given explanations based on observations from afar

I'm finding it unfair that not once have I been approached by anyone to offer me anything

Only pleas for help, support, a listening ear, and advice for their personal crisis

I feel like a thread that's unraveling from its spool on its way to an inevitable end

And to the god in whom I find comfort in not existing.

Thanks but no thanks.

protracted anxiety

It feels really frustrating that this indefinite pause in my life is just an act of vacillating from one crisis to another with no end in sight.

a house is not a home

 The word house is used to talk about a building made for people or a family to live in. The word home is used to talk about the family living in a house. They say a house is not a home. But as far as I am concerned now. I'd rather just have a house that's not deteriorating.

Pandemic Purgatory

In the past few years, I've hated the weekends and the holidays. I can't feel the difference between those days and my regular working days. At least during working days, I can say to the people at home that I can't be disturbed, because I'm working. Fuck this life.

birthday bs

 

Four decades older. Several thousand Pesos poorer. None happier nor wiser. Happy birthday to me.

Mark Dela Cruz | Muni-Muni

 Mark is someone I've known for more than a decade and it's a friendship that has span the transitions of platforms on the internet from Blogger, to Friendster, to MySpace, to Facebook and beyond. 

It is interesting though that as far as personal interactions I can remember not more than a dozen times when we were able to interact personally and its mostly at shows in San Pablo Laguna or when we shared the stage with his band Driveway to Driveway at Saguijo, AMOS Cafe and the short-lived Sazi's/Myric's in Malate with 2 of those venues already closing shop and Saguijo in an indefinite hiatus because of the pandemic I think personal interactions would be far from happening.

apologies

 I've been spending the past two weeks in bed.

The plague got me albeit, not fatally.

On the road to recovery, my heart aches.

Because it has also taken a toll on my loved ones.

Whose lives are on a sudden pause.

Whose lives I've put at risk.

I'm sorry.

despondence

 

I just got sick and I'm doing my best to isolate myself.

But I've already been living in isolation long before the pandemic lockdown.

The past few years have been my loneliest

And the pandemic, the omnipresence of social deterioration, and protractedness of it all

Just seems so overwhelming.

I can’t smile.

I’m numbed by cold inside and out.

I constantly feel alone in a world full of people

Cold and unfeeling

In a cold unfeeling world.

Too far gone

 It doesn't matter

Which side of the door

I find myself in

I'd always end up 

With a broken heart

All I got going

Is a song

In my head

Fuck this shit

 

Fuck the weekends

Fuck the holidays

Fuck vacation leaves

Fuck sleeping in

Fuck brunch

Fuck work from home

Fuck this life