perpetual patience

 Waiting…

to reclaim fire that was extinguished 

to climb walls and watch the sunset

to take long walks inside the campus

to jump fences and locked gates

to hold banners and chant protest

to roll the dice at snakes and ladders

to see those piercing eyes 

and your disarming smile

to embrace as we bid farewell

knowing that tomorrow holds promise

Longing…

to share an umbrella in the rain

to stroll empty museum isles

to have ice cream, noodles and cocktails

to be embraced in the cinema

to fall on a roller skate

to drink tea on coffeeshops

to get lost in old manila

hoping that the winding road 

will lead me to you

Waiting and longing…

…Longing in silence

….Silently waiting

to the beautiful soul that everyone passes on

on the brink of tears

after a string of bad decisions

in a dance of vice, substance

and years of indecision 

unspoken words, silent refrain, 

hearts bespoke

is the chill of this occassion

that i drown in intoxication

feeling empty and in misery

not wanting pity nor empathy

all I have are the smiles of the dead and the dying

to comfort this aching heart

in this season of jubilation

gaslight anthem

 

Personally I take offense on those so-called radicals who use this 'defeat' as an opportunity to gloat and gaslight the many who chose to cast their lots on the pink movement and the Leni-Kiko campaign.  

I take offense that their drive to push their 'radical' agendas they peddled the same populist language that was used in the disinformation campaign of the Marcos-Duterte tandem.

I take offense for intentionally leaving out the reality of massive disinformation and electoral fraud as important variables in the final outcome of the polls.

I take offense at their gull to speak for the 'masses' for romanticizing them as a revolutionary force but hesitate in demanding responsibility from the masses for their choice to elect oppressors.

I take offense in how they attacked their supposed allies more than the Marcos and Duterte tandem.

I take offense that in their pursuance of ideological articulation of change they willingly provided an opening for the rise of fascism and an extension of populist rule in the Philippines.

I take offense that when the shit of this new regime hits the fan, it is not them who will certainly experience the violence of the state.

To those who chose cynicism because it seemed cooler. 

To those who are saying:  "I told you so". 

To those who say: "that's just the way thing are". 

To those sayin: "move on."

Fuck you.

walking wounded

 It's very hard to see beyond the horizon. 

The prospects are so uncertain 

We cannot feel anything but anxiety.

Many rose to the test

And for the first time their lives have  

Cast their lot on hope itself.

But it seemed that in spite of everything

Still fell short of victory 

Against the monsters that lay siege.

We are walking wounded but not fallen.

Tired but not lifeless.

Today we limp 

Knowing that in time we will heal

And with enough perseverance

We can emerge strong and organized

And able to seize the day.

jusko

kung wala man diyos/mga diyos. meron parin naman tayong isa't-isa mas mabuti pang umasa sa kapwa kesa sa mga poong kailangan pa ng pananampalataya natin para lang tumugon sa ating mga pangangailangan.

why bother?

why do we even bother to pray?

so far my experience has been terrible with prayer.

mere seconds of praying i get the opposite response.

the thing just got worse.

worse for the person i am praying for.

worse for me.

and then when i reflect and try to count my blessing.

i realize the multitude that are worse off than me

who i believe likewise prayed.

again i ask: why do we even bother?

Purgatory

 

There was a time when i started adjusting my entire personal time to bathe, take a shit, groom and take care of myself in general to the hours beyond midnight.

Now it just sucks that even that time is being taken away from me.

For how long will this last I sadly do not know.

Big. Empty. Nothing

Understanding our mortality is reckoning with the fact that time will come when all that we hold dear would amount to an empty nothingness at life’s end.

For the past 5 years, I have been gradually immersed in this empty nothingness at home.

And now we start another year again in the shadow of this big empty nothingness.

We are only on our third day of 2022 and it’s beginning to feel like prospects are no better than the previous year.

I am tired and lonely staring, living and breathing the air within this big empty nothingness.

Each passing day is a difficult act of waking up to a new day with nothing to look forward to.

I don’t know how long I can last.

cast down the mighty. lift up the lowly.

More than a decade ago I entered the seminary and then dropped out. 

I've forgotten most of the things I learned there but this one still stands out:

Theology is not only the study of the Bible and dogma ---rather it is the discipline whose goal is the formation of the self in order to live the whole of life consistent with the reality of God (or following the way of Jesus Christ)

A good sign of theological maturity is when one increases in their empathy when they begin to understand the key aspects of life especially in science, art and the work of social change, where human activity is most distinct.

At a time when doctrinal precision fails the litmus test of ethics. Discernment teaches us that we need not look far. The Nativity story vividly illustrates that the Divine allies itself with the desperate, dispossessed and the downtrodden.

A life that is consistent with the reality of the divine allies itself with the struggle of the oppressed, the marginalized and the vulnerable.

The words of Mary in the Magnificat is an invitation to rise up against the false order of the Empire, and a refusal to treat evil as an acceptable part of a larger harmonious vision.

Cast down the mighty. Lift up the lowly.   (Luke 1:52)

on a lonely place this season

 For the past few years, nothing has pained me more than the holidays.

None more so than the Christmas, I guess there is something about the cold weather and the cloudy skies that contrasts to the superficial joy of the consuming frenzy that comes with the season.

When I was younger I always loved Christmas, because it means no school, gifts and parties. 

But as I grew older I can help but feel short-changed by the hype.

In the past couple of years, there's that added anxiety because Christmas means being alone in a houseful of people who have no idea that I am dying on the inside because of them.

The feeling of being trapped is more pronounced than on the regular days where I have my job as an escape.

The shit we have to live with because of love.