cras amet qui nunquam amavit; quique amavit, cras amet

Pain.
Such must be the language of love.
There was this line in this movie that I know that says:
“Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more? 1”
As much as I hate to admit it there is truth in that
But the problem lies in the idea of love itself.
Is love really about that of feeling that we are loved?
Or is it about the idea of getting way past the point of caring
whether we are loved or not?
Love hurts that much is obvious.
But what is life without pain anyway?
And what is love good for if it is only something we desire from the other?
It is indeed a perpetual struggle to want to be loved.
And yet to discover that the one we love would be happier, better off without us
Or even longing for love from another…
Perhaps to say: “I love you”
Really means: “You’re free as far as my desire for finding my personal completion in you is concerned…”
If that is the case...
...Then it is no wonder that “the Cross is the necessary contradiction of all we know in life. 2”

1. Celine (Julie Delpy), Before Sunrise (Columbia Pictures: 1995)
2. Robinson, David. Rappings (Grand Rapids: Tyndale 1971). P.47
   

anxiety

...for love is as strong as death...
Song of Songs 8:6

Needless to say no matter what I'll say or do your heart cannot be mine...

Fate seems to have this twisted humor that guts out our greatest hopes and dreams.

Why must this be too early seen unknown and known too late?

Living with the closeness of this reality of pain makes me wish that somehow I would be smitten with the surd of death --I have finally met you.

For me that is enough, for I can never go farther than being the person that I am to you now.

God knows how I want it to be like that but it seems that indeed the heart is deceitful in the midst of a flesh that's too weak to know boundaries in its desire for companionship, for the sweet kiss and empathic embrace of a fellow human being with whom in a heartbeat I would unquestioningly give my life to.

I am lonely. I am sad. I feel as though like I am dead.

And I just might as well be dead for all I care. You are there and I can't have you --or better yet I cannot give my life to you as I would hope you'd want me to.

I love you too bad I’ll never be able to say this to your face…